Technological Ecstasy: Black Sabbath Unveil New Drummer 

The remaining members of Heavy Metal pioneers, Black Sabbath unveiled their new drummer at a press conference today.

“I would like to introduce the newest member of the Sabbath family, DR. GROOVE,” says, Ozzy Osbourne.

Sabbath fans have been treated to an acrimonious back and forth between disgruntled drummer, Bill Ward and the rest of the band on Facebook in recent weeks. Each camp has issued numerous press releases, blaming the other party for making a full Black Sabbath reunion impossible.

“We just couldn’t come to terms with Bill and we needed to move on,” says bassist, Geezer Butler. “We wish him all the best, but we are going ahead with DR. GROOVE.”

DR. GROOVE aka DR-202 is a drum machine released, along with DR. SAMPLE, by the BOSS/ROLAND of Japan Corporation in the year 2000 to target the emerging acid house / drum and bass music scenes.

“It’s more than just a drum machine,” says guitarist Tony Iommi. “It’s got a flanger and reverb on it too. It can also run on batteries.”

Much like other high profile groups who lost classic members (Judas Priest, Journey, Yes), Black Sabbath found Ward’s replacement in the world of tribute bands, specifically, Toronto’s, Dad Sabbath.

“It’s a group of blokes who get together a few times a year and play at garden parties and gala luncheons.  I mean, they are pretty crap, but from the YouTube videos we watched, DR. GROOVE is always on the beat,” says Butler.

“When we got the call, I was a bit shocked. I bought DR. GROOVE after our drummer moved to Montreal. I thought it sounded pretty good for a drum machine, but not good enough to be considered real drums,” says Jim Duck, who is the vocalist for Dad Sabbath. “They offered us ten thousand dollars, which was great because I think I paid like fifty bucks for it at a garage sale.”

Do the members of Black Sabbath feel that fans will accept DR. GROOVE?

“If I’m being one hundred percent honest, a bloody drum machine is probably pretty low on the list of complaints the fans are going to have about us this summer,” says Osbourne. 

Black Sabbath will be performing at several major festivals this summer.